Coordinating: If You Can't Escape It, Embrace It

As much as I might work to escape the task of coordinating in my calling as the Ward Building Cleaning Coordinator, I find that I can't escape the task in other aspects of life. I've coordinated visits, shopping trips, and daily chores. I've initiated communications, made and relayed requests, and delegated tasks. And, frankly, it hasn't been all bad. Maybe it was because I already knew those whom I was working with, and maybe it was because the tasks and visits were things those people already wanted (or at least were willing) to do, but coordinating these activities with these people hadn't been as stressful as I had feared they would be. Perhaps coordinating is a job I can willingly do after all. Maybe I can set up sign up sheets, make assignments and phone calls, and manage the work of the volunteers.

It's still true that I'd rather vacuum for a few hours each week than spend an hour each week making phone calls, and I'd rather do the work myself than rely on others to do it, but I've learned that I can coordinate when I have to, and it's not too terribly arduous when I do.

Knowing and Doing

The gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it can be horribly wide sometimes. For instance, I had a to do list of things to get done today. But in fact, I did almost none of them. Granted, I have a slightly better plan for productivity tomorrow, so I might actually manage to get my act together, but that just means that I know what I should do tomorrow. I hope that I'll manage to have the willpower to actually do it.

Love and Laughter

As usual for us on Sundays, we had family over for dinner tonight, and we had a great night together. We helped and supported each other. We played a game together. We chatted, told silly jokes, and laughed at each other's jokes. It was a fun night. I'm glad that we have a family that spends time together, supports each other, loves each other, and appreciates each other. I'm lucky to have a family like this. I'm grateful for my family and for the love and laughter they bring into my life. I hope I bring just as much love and laughter into theirs.

Taking Care of Things, Including Oneself

This morning, I cleaned the church building. As usual, I had the help of Brother Monson and my friend Nick, but Nick had an upset stomach, so after a short while of cleaning, he had to excuse himself, sit, and rest. Hours later, I probably should have followed his lead. I've been taking care of things at home lately, mostly including the pets, but I've also been taking the lead in meal prep and making arrangements for family prayer, when the rest of the family is ready. I've been having to do a lot of work, including communcating and coordinating with others, and it's been tiring and stressful. At a certain point today, under the weight of what felt like a significant amount of stress and frustration, I hit my head. That was the last straw. I fell to me knees, let out an audible yell, and was sullen for most of the rest of the day. I was spent. I kept working, because I had to, but I was emotionally spent.

I shouldn't have let that happen. I should have been more careful about managing my energy, saving more of it for emotion regulation. As I was going about, taking care of everything I needed to take care of, I should also have taken better care of myself. Perhaps I should have taken a moment to myself and done something restful and/or reinvigorating. Perhaps I should have taken a shower or a nap or a walk outside by myself. Perhaps I should have prayed. Any of those things could have helped me take better care of myself, and that would have helped me take better care of everything else.

I've been struggling lately. But I think I know what I need to do. Of course, I need to take care of my responsibilities, but I also need to remember that I have a responsibility to myself. And the better I take care of myself, the better I can take care of everything. It's smart to keep one's tools clean, sharp, and in good repair, and I am the only tool I've got. Naturally, I'm going to continue to try to take good care of everything. But at least tomorrow, that "everything" I'm going to try to take care of is going to include "myself."

Looking Out For Me

I'm glad I've got people looking out for me. At two points today, I was making decisions that could be considered regretable. It wasn't anything too serious, and it'll likely be forgotten by this time next week. Still, the choices I was making weren't the best ones, and the people around me noticed that and had the courage to call it to my attention.

To their credit, that's all they did. They merely pointed out the choices I was making, and that alone was enough to convince me to reconsider. In some cases, I changed my decision, and in another case, I continued with my original decision, but in each case, it was my decision to make. Those close to me merely pointed out the decision I was making, giving me an opportunity to reconsider my choice. And at the end of the day, partly thanks to their influence, I'm satisfied with the decisions I made, including the one I chose not to change.

Sometimes, we do things automatically, without even thinking about it. Today, I had people looking out for me, and they helped me to rethink my decisions. I'm grateful to those people. I'm glad they're in my life. My life is significantly better and more satisfying, thanks to their influence. I'm lucky they're looking out for me, and I hope I can do the same for them.

Making Time For Family

I had a great day today, and most of what made it great was that, after doing a good deal of chores and an errand, I was able to spend most of the day having fun with family members that I don't usually get to see as often as I like. Sometimes, we have to make an effort to make time to spend together. It's not always easy, but it's often worth it.

I had a great time spending the day with family, and I'm glad that we've already set aside some time to do it again.

Forks in the Road

In tonight's session of D&D, the characters came to a pair of forks in the road, each one requiring a simple decision: do you go one way or the other? They had some information about each direction. They knew where each fork would take them, physically, but they didn't know what they would find by heading that way, and they didn't know which way would lead them to the person they're looking for.

But of course, life's like that sometimes. We come to a fork in the road, and we have to make a dicision (hopefully an informed decision), without really knowing what we'll find at the end of the paths we choose or what would have happened if we chose a different path instead. We just have make our choices and hope for the best.

The paths that the party chose tonight led them to a particular place at a particular time. No one can say what might have happened if they had made different choices, but they are where they are now, and we'll just have to go from there. And so must we. We are wherever our past choices (and circumstances beyond our control) led us. All that's left for us now is to make our choices, follow our paths, and find out where we can go from here.

We don't know where each fork in the road will lead, but we all must choose our forks regardless.

Nuggets of Gold

One thing I want to do more is to look for the good in the world and not get mired down in everything else. There are nuggets of gold in almost every pile of dirt, if you look for them hard enough. There's good luck even in the midst of misfortune. There is goodness even in those who do bad things. We can have joy, even amid tragedy. There are kernels of truth even in some stories, teachings, and ideas that are untrue. And there is wisdom in listening to others, even those who seem foolish.

I imagine there are even messages of value in these blog posts of mine, even though they're mostly the ramblings of a young adult, each with rarely more than an hour of thought put into them, almost all written late at night, when the author is tired. If you can learn something from me, we can learn something from everyone.

Heck, even the geo-centrists are part right, when we consider that there is no universal frame of reference, so that, relative to the earth, the Sun seems to revolve around it. And the flat-earthers are also close enough for most intents and purposes. Sure, I could focus on what they get wrong, but I don't want to be the kind of person who does that. I want to be the kind of person who sees and appreciates the nuggets of gold, even those which are burried in mounds of worthless dirt.

There is a lot of badness in this world. There's a lot of misfortune, evil, misery, lies, and foolishness in the world, and I could easily dwell on that negativity and let it all weigh me down. But I'd rather sift through it and find the small pieces that are good. I expect that I'd be much happier if I did that. There is a lot of worthless dirt in the world, but there are also so many gold nuggets to find.

Do Games Count?

I have a bit of a question about morality, and the answer will possibly change the way I play games (and/or the way I react to the ways in which others play games). Do deeds done in games count for good or evil in real life? For example, if I, or any game player, rescue an innocent NPC from near certain death or do any other good act in a game, would that count as Good in real life? Alternatively, if I, or any game player, kill a (mostly) innocent NPC or do any other evil act in a game, would that count as Evil in real life? Do deeds done in game cound as moral or immoral acts IRL? Either way, I believe that the answer should be consistent, unless there's a compelling reason for it not to be. If "Playing Evil" is Evil IRL, then "Playing Good" should be Good IRL for similar reasons, unless there are very good reasons for it not to be.

I can see myself saying "Yes, it shoud," or "No, it shoudn't" apply in real life. Naturally, one could argue that what happens in a game has no bearing on real life because it's "just a game." Alternatively, one could argue that what happens in game at least counts for practice in real life. I could see the argument falling either way, but it almost certainly should fall one way or another, and I'm really not sure which way it should fall.

One Year Older and Wiser Too

Today is my birthday, as many of you may know, and one of our primary birthday songs speaks of being "One year older and wiser too." I hope it's not too prideful of me to say that I think that this is actually true ths year. Most years, I feel none the wiser than previous years. But over the last few years, I've been having experiences that I think are actually helping me become wiser. I'm learning more, and I'm doing better at applying what I'm learning. So, as of today, I am one year older and wiser than I was last year, and I hope that this'll be true next year as well.

How to Save Scum IRL

In video games, there's a practice called Save Scumming. To Save Scum, what you do is save your game just before you try something, and if it doesn't go well for you, you can reload your save and try again. Basically, it's the trick Doctor Strange used to "defeat" Dormamu in the 2016 Doctor Strange film. He "saved the game," faced Dormamu, lost, died, "reloaded the save," and tried again. By doing this, a player can try something over and over again until some combination of luck and skill lands in their favor, and they succeed.

Naturally, we can't do this in real life. We can't "save the game," "reload saves," or create time loops that allow us to try things an infinite number of times. But we can still try them. We can try something repeatedly, consecutively, learning more from each attempt. In short, we can practice. If you want to learn to play a song on the piano, for example, you can practice finding the notes and playing the phrases of the song over and over again, learning more and gaining more skill with each attempt, until you can play the song all the way through with no mistakes. This will take a lot of practice, and that will take a lot of time, but if we have the time, we can put in the practice, and we can gain the skill we need to succeed.

It's not quite Save Scumming, since any successful Save Scumming attempt can be the one that matters, but practicing can be a sort of pseudo Save Scumming that can work, even in real life with no magic. And with enough practice, we can gain almost any skill we want. In a way, practicing is kinda broken. Just not quite as broken as actually Save Scumming.

Empathy for Leaders and Followers

This evening, I had the opportunity to help clean the temple, and I found that I was grateful to have the opportunity to merely help. As our ward's Building Cleaning Coordinator, I know how stressful it can be to coordinate several volunteers, all of whom keep turning to you for information and instruction regarding what has already been done and what still needs to be done. As such, I tried to be more of an asset to our coordinator than a stressor. I tried to exude patience when waiting for instruction. I served cheerfully where I was sent. And I worked as well as I could, striving to strike a proper balance between being thorough and working quickly. And, credit to our coordinator, she did a fantastic job getting the work done with the workers she had.

They say that good leaders also make for good followers. I now think that that's because leaders know how much of a burden it can be to lead. Leaders know how challenging leadership is, in ways that workers may not fully understand. Having served in both capacities, I have an appreciation for the work that goes into both roles: leading and following. As a leader, I appreciate the work my volunteer followers do for me, and as a worker, I appreciate the work the leaders do keeping the work going smoothly. Both tasks take talent and effort. Those who have done both can tell you how true that ism and they can appreciate the work that goes into both leading and following.

Credit for Service

Maybe I don't give myself enough credit. I gave two strangers directions today and thought nothing of it. I helped my friend help his grandma with some heavy lifting because I could. I took care of the dinner dishes, but that was no big deal. And I helped my sister with dinner at 11pm because she needed my help and it was the right thing to do. I have all these reasons for why the service I do doesn't count for much. I hope God counts it differently, because I could use all the spiritual credit I can get.

Should the Party Kill Arrigal?

Arrigal is an assassin, or at least, that's what his Statblock says. As far as the story has canonically established, he has never killed anyone. His assassinishness is not why the party wants him dead. The party of adventurers in the D&D game I run every week want to kill Arrigal because he stole from them, but (aside from the fact that killing is not a suitable punishment for theft) the main moral complication to their choice of action is that they stole from him first.

Arrigal is the most competent member of a group of travelers called the Vistani. A few sessions ago, one of the members of the adventuring party broke into the Vistani Treasure Wagon and stole almost all their valuables. Once he had deduced who the culprit was, Arrigal set out to steal it all back. He succeeded, though he had to knock out two of the adventuring party members out to do so. Yet, in his haste to perform his burglary work quickly, he stole more from the party than they had stolen from the Vistani, and they now want to take it all back, along with his life.

Granted, I think that the party is partly justified. Some of the goods that had been stolen from them had been earned legitimately, and they deserve to have those goods returned to them. Yet, if they would argue that Arrigal deserves to die for the crime of stealing from them, it could also be argued that at least one member of their adventuring party deserves to die for stealing from the Vistani. Justice is blind. If stealing is a capital offense, then stealing is a capital offense.

Personally, I don't believe that Arrigal deserves to die for what he did. Yes, he stole, and he hurt one innocent person to do so, but he did so only to steal back that which had been stolen from him and his group, and he made certain that no permanent harm was done. The party wants the rest of their stuff back, and I mostly sympathize with them, but I do not sympathize as strongly with their desire to kill Arrigal, and I don't think that they'd be morally justified in doing so.

Venting is Better than Revenge

Tonight, I experienced severe frustration, and, after some shouting, I plotted some potentially murderous (but entirely fictional) revenge. Thankfully, with some help, I was able to vent my frustation non-harmfully, and I was able to calm down enough to make an actual, decent plan to handle the situation responsibly.

I'm grateful that I got help venting safely. I'm grateful that my revenge plot was merely hypothetical. And I'm grateful that this situation hasn't devolved into a fight just yet. Hopefully, it won't. And if it does, I hope I will have the pressence of mind to remove myself from the situation and safely, non-harmfully vent.

Making Revisions

As a student and as a writing tutor, I've learned that one of the most important steps in the writing process is Revision: taking what you've written so far and changing it to make it better. The changes can be major or minor. They can adjust the superficial elements, like the tone and wording, or the deeper elements, like the content and structure. Revision means taking something that's already complete and changing it to make it better.

Each of us could use some revision. We are each complete people, but we could all stand to make some improvements. Some of those changes are major, and some of them are minor, but all of them are useful improvements. But it's important to note that revising something doesn't mean throwing the whole thing away and rewriting it from scratch. It means starting where you are and making tweaks. It means adjusting something that already exists. We don't need total do-overs. No matter what we've done or become, we can start where we are and make improvements from there. We don't need a complete overhaul, just some revisions.

I'm grateful to know that we can change and improve in bits and pieces, just like revising a paper. It's comforting to know that we could all use improvements. And it's reassuring that, no matter what our situation is now, it's not beyond saving. We can improve it. We can review our current draft, identify changes that could be made, and make revisions.

Out of Energy

I'm really tired. I have got to learn how to conserve my energy better and/or have more. Almost everything has been a challenge this evening, including understanding why it was challenging and hiding the fact that I was struggling with these challenges. I guess I didn't really need to hide it, though, did I? I was tired and frustrated, but maybe my family would have understood that. I'm sure at least one of them knows what it means to be an introvert, right? Sometimes, I just need space and quiet. Maybe that would have helped. Maybe I could have recuperated, like I blogged about a short while back, if I had managed to stop spending my energy for a short while.

Well, whatever I should have done, I hope I figure it out and do it next week, because it'll be my birthday, and even more people are coming over. I'm mostly looking forward to that, except that I know it's going to take energy to be around a lot of people, and I really hope I can summon enough energy to attend (and not be rude at) my own party.

Expressing Gratitude

The other day, I talked to my family's kitchen appliances. I thanked them for the work they do for us and for the blessings they bring into our lives. Now, I know that the appliances couldn't hear me. I know that they, unlike people, were incapable of receiving or benefiting from my gratitude. But I, on the other hand, was still better off for expressing it.

Expressing gratitude is a holy act. It's uplifting and heart-changing. Expressing gratitude is a good thing to do, even if no one is around to hear it. We should be grateful for our blessings, and expressing our gratitude is a good way to remind ourselves to be grateful.

I am grateful for the blessings in my life, and I'm grateful for my knowledge of the benefits of being grateful. I should express my gratitude more often, especially (though not exclusively) to those who are able to appreciate it.

We Are What We Think and Do

I read this morning that "We are what we repeatedly do," and that our "habitual thoughts" compose "the character of [our] mind[s]." What the stoics Aristotle and Marcus Aurelius were basically teaching us is that we are the sum total of all our thoughts and actions. Put in other words, "What we think and do determines who we are—and who we will become" (Uchtdorf, "The Love of God," General Conference, October 2009).

Since this is the case, we are daily deciding our character and mindset. We are constantly choosing what kinds of people we are, because we are the kinds of people who do the things we do, and think the things we think. No wonder, then, that people say that those who focus on negativity will see more things to be negative about. If we focus on negativity too much, that negativity will become a part of us. In fact, it could be argued that everything we think and do is a part of us, and the size of those parts depends on the amount of time and energy we give them. Blogging, for example, is part of my life, part of who I am, and the size of that part of me is determined by the amount of time and energy I spend blogging. And the same goes for everything else I do and think. And the same goes for all of us.

Apostles and Philosophers agree: We are what we do. Then, we should do good acts and think good thoughts, so we will be good as well.

Mortal and Immortal

Having a mortal body and an immortal spirit is an interesting combination. On the one hand, life is short. On the other, we know that life goes on forever. On one hand, we need to prepare for our eternal future. On the other, we still need to live in the present. We want to maintain both our temporal and eternal relationships. We strive for both our temporal and eternal goals. We need to pay attention to both mortality and eternity in order to live healthy, balanced lives. Both mortality and eternity are essential to our lives. Neglecting either for the sake of the other will only leave a person incomplete. We are dual beings. So, until our mortal bodies catch up with our immortal souls, we need to respect both parts of ourselves and remember to take good care of both the mortal and the eternal aspects of ourselves.

Positive Psychology

One thing I've really loved about my Psychology class is our study of Positive Psychology, the scientific study of how to thrive. Evidently, psychologists have learned a lot about happiness, the object and design of our existence, and they've learned about many factors that can influence our levels of happiness. Granted, I've barely scratched the surface, and much of what I've learned merely confirms what I've learned from church and common wisdom, so I'm hardly breaking any new ground here, but I've very interested in learning more. I would love to learn more about how I and others can live well and find happiness (and/or make our own), put that knowledge into practice, and share it with as many people as I can.

I'm grateful that psychology is confirming and expounding upon truths we've learned through church and common wisdom. I want to live a happy and fulfilling life, and I want to help others live happy, fulfilling lives as well.

Lofty Goals and Gardening

I'm currently playing a game in which the goal is to become a champion and save the world, and I'm sure I'll do that eventually, but first, I've learned the joys of decorating a small space, catching butterflies, and maintaining a small garden.

We, too, have incredibly lofty goals, including the goal of becoming gods and creating worlds, and we will get to that in the eternities, but first, we get/have to spend some time down here, in a small space, where we can enjoy our time in whatever gardens we choose to maintain.

Naturally, we shouldn't lose sight of our ultimate goal, but thankfully, there is time to stop and smell the roses along the way.

Recuperation

Each D&D character has a handful of Hit Dice (so called because they're the dice that character originally rolled (or took the average thereof) to determine their Hit Points). Over the course of a Short Rest, a character can "spend" any number of hit dice, roll them, add their Constitution Modifier to each die result, add it all up, and regain that many Hit Points. The D&D rules don't seem to have a name for this ability, so I call it Recuperation. (Oh, and if you were wondering, characters can regain a number of "spent" Hit Dice equal to half their character level, rounded down, to a minimum of one, at the end of each Long Rest.) Recuperation is hardly an essential ability in D&D, since most classes have some access to healing spells or abilities, and characters regain all their HP at the end of each Long Rest anyway. D&D characters don't often need to recuperate. But we do.

We get tired. We get cranky. We occasionally feel incapable of being the best possible versions of ourselves. At such times, it may be wise to take a rest. It doesn't have to be a long rest, and it often can't be, but if we can pull ourselves aside for a moment and take a breather, we can sometimes regain a sufficient amount of physical and emotional energy in a relatively short of time.

When we feel low on energy (physical, emotional, spiritual, or any other kind), it may be wise to try and get some of our energy back by taking a short rest to recuperate it.

Knowing My Limits

One thing I'm slowly learning is the importance of knowing my limits. Let's say I'm exercising a muscle. If I try to curl or lift more weight than I can safely handle, then I could overdo it and potentially damage my muscle (perhaps permanently) instead of growing it. Yet, if I know my limit and try not to go too far beyond it, I can exercise my muscle more efficiently and gradually grow and increase my limit.

Similarly, my emotional limitations may work in a similar way. There's only so much noise, frustration, and social interaction I can take before I start to feel like I'm losing control of my emotions. If I can identify that limit, I can try not to go beyond it, thus maintaining control. Yet, if the potential for growth here also works like a muscle, perhaps I can push myself, just a little bit, to gain more emotional strength and thus increase my emotional limit. If that's how that works, then knowing my limits may help me increase my resilience without actually risking causing harm. At the very least, it's important to know my limits so I know not to go beyond them.

Knowing my physical, emotional, and perhaps even spiritual limits may help me to better understand what I am and am not safely capable of, and it can help me grow and increase my limits as safely and effectively as possible. I definitely would like to grow stronger and more resilient, if only for my own benefit, and doing so safely may need to begin with learning my limits.

On Not Asking For Volunteers

You know, apart from the "asking for volunteers" part, I actually like being the Building Cleaning Coordinator. There's something therapeutic about cleaning. I enjoy pushing and pulling the vacuums around, finding the bits of dirt and debris that were left behind, and hearing the satisfying clatter as the debris is sucked up the hose. It's even kinda fun. Even cleaning the bathrooms is fine, wiping down the surfaces and making them shine. It's nice. It's simple. It's easy. And it's pleasant.

The only unpleasant part is asking for help, picking people to ask, making phone calls and emails, feeling like I'm pressuring people (just as I have felt obligated to help others when they've asked me), and telling them what to do if/when they come.And frankly, I can just not do that. I can take care of the building cleaning myself, with perhaps some help from people who genuinely want to help. And if they'd rather not help most of the time, that's fine. That leaves more therapeutic cleaning for me. Granted, it takes a while, but that's fine, too. I've got a decent amount of time on Saturdays now that I'm not working Saturdays anymore. I can happily spend most of the day cleaning the church.

Is this the way Building Cleaning Coordinating is supposed to work? No. But this is the way that works best for me. This is my calling, and I'm going to do it my way, with as little asking for volunteers as possible.

What It Means to Be Special

I just watched a video titled "End Credits to Humanity" by Tim Hickson, which he uploaded to his YouTube channel, "Hello Future Me." I've included a link, because the whole video is worth watching, if a bit weird in some places, but toward the middle of the video, there's a profound moment where the main character muses on how special humanity is/was (the story takes place far in the future), despite sometimes thinking that we're nothing special. And that got me thinking about what makes things special and how things have meaning both because we give things meaning and because they mean something to us.

For example, I'm writing words. Now, I could start typing random keys, creating strings of gibberish interspersed with a space or two here or there, but that wouldn't mean anything. I'm giving these symbols meaning by arranging them in deliberate ways, and they mean something to you when you read and interpret them. On their own, these symbols mean nothing. Just two dozen or so specific kinds of squiggles depicted on a page. Anyone who can't read English could look at these squiggles and figure that they must have meant something to someone (because otherwise, why create them?), but the squiggles would mean nothing to them. These "words" have no inherent meaning, but they mean something to me.

The same thing goes for being special. I sometimes feel like I'm no one special, but I know that there are people who think I am. I'm special to them, just as they are to me. We give ourselves and each other meaning by meaning something to ourselves and each other.

We can give anything meaning this way. We can make anything special and meaningful (at least to us), so long as they are special and meaningful to us. Life itself has meaning, if only because we give it meaning. God is special because we believe in Him, and He makes us special by believing in us. Life is wonderful because we find wonder in it. The world is beautiful because we see its beauty. Our beliefs give things meaning, and we can make things special just by believing that they are.

Don't Blog Tired

I should stop blogging when I'm tired. I end up staying up late, trying to think of something to blog about, and the later I stay up, the harder it gets to think, the more interruptions come up, and I end up churning out some worthless garbage like this because I have a decade-old self-imposed obligation to blog daily indefinitely. This isn't healthy. I should be in bed right now, not wracking my brain for whatever semi-spiritual nonsense my sleep-deprived brain can come up with.

Whatever. I don't need this. I'm going to bed.

Post-Session Self-Reflection

At the end of each D&D session I run, I like to reflect on what I did well and what I did poorly. In what ways did my preparation pay off, and in what ways did I prepare more or less than I needed to? What should I do more, and what should I do less? This post-session self-reflection is helpful to me, as it lets me know how I can improve my DMing.

I sometimes do the same thing with my homework, with my tutoring, and with other things I do. It's good to look back on how we did and figure out how we could do better. No matter what we do or how well we do it, there is always something that can be gained by reflecting on our performance and considering how we might improve it the next time we perform again.

I find it beneficial and sometimes even important to practice such self-reflection as part of the practice I do. Without it, I don't think I'd improve as quickly, if at all. But thanks to this reflection, I am improving. It's a painstaking and occasionally painful process, but the progress and improvement I make are worth the time I spend reflecting.

Godfidence

While headed up to Camp Bountiful for a service project the other day, I saw two signs that each said "Private Sign - Do Not Read," but I also saw a church sign that said something about "Godfidence."

Now, I don't know what the preacher or sign-maker meant by "Godfidence." It could have meant having confidence in God, having the confidence that comes from standing with God, the knowledge that God will keep our private thoughts in confidence, or practically any other meaning of the term confidence.

Whatever it means, it seems like a good thing. I hope that we can have Godfidence, including confidence in His existence and in our knowledge of His nature, the confidence of knowing that we're on God's side, and the understanding that God can be trusted with our private thoughts. Whether Godfidence meant one of those three things or something else entirely, Godfidence seems like a good trait to have and one that is likely to be worth developing.

On Not Being Depressed

Today, in my Psychology class, I learned about depression and other psychological disorders, and the most exciting thing I learned about it is that I don't have it.

I used to think I was depressed. I felt unhappy and cynical and unenthusiastic, and I had thought that things would never get better. But I realized today that they have. Now, of all of the symptoms of major depressive disorder, the only one I feel with any regularity is "feeling worthless, or feeling unwarranted guilt," and I'm working on that, with some success. It's been a bumpy road with some occasional setbacks, but the trajectory has been overall positive.

I'm glad to have realized how much progress I've been making, without even noticing it. It makes me feel hopeful for the future. I'm going to keep learning and growing, I'm going to keep strengthening and building on my foundation, and I'm going to keep finding and making greater happiness and peace. Things are looking up.

Today, I learned that I'm not depressed. Rather, I am impressed at how far I've come.

Persecution

I didn't like reading about religious persecution when I read about it in the Doctrine & Covenants last year. I kind of wondered why people bother. So, some guy came up with a new religion. Why should that bother people? And especially, why should it bother people enough to physically attack people? It didn't make any sense to me, especially since my philosophy has almost always been to "Live and Let Live."

Yet, Moses didn't. Exodus 32:26-28 says:

26 Then Moses stood in the gate of the camp, and said, Who is on the Lord’s side? let him come unto me. And all the sons of Levi gathered themselves together unto him.

27 And he said unto them, Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour.

28 And the children of Levi did according to the word of Moses: and there fell of the people that day about three thousand men.

A footnote in verse 27 refers to Numbers 25:5: "And Moses said unto the judges of Israel, Slay ye every one his men that were joined unto Baal-peor." Now, I don't know what sort of god Baal-peor was or what sorts of things their worshipers did, but unless it involved human sacrifices, it probably wasn't bad enough to be deserving of capital punishment. As a people who had suffered severe religious persecution, including some infanticide, at the hands of Pharaoh, I would have thought that the children of Israel would be more accepting of other religious minorities.

And certainly, we ought to be. After all, "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." We believe in religious freedom and freedom from persecution. Having been victims of persecution ourselves, we should know better than to dish it out. Rather, we should be respectful of other's beliefs, just as we had hoped that others would have been respectful about ours.

I hope that, whatever religious persecution happened in the past, we can learn to move past it and be understanding and accepting of other people and their beliefs, or at least not try to kill them. We certainly won't agree with everything they believe, and they won't agree with all of our beliefs, either, but I hope that we can all agree to put the persecution behind us, to live and let live, and to let everyone worship according to the dictates of their own conscience.