Identity Crisis

I haven't been able to find the kind of video I was looking for this morning. I wanted to find a video of someone standing up for their beliefs, daring to be different, defining themselves by the standards that they kept.

The reason I wanted to watch a video like that is because yesterday I saw a video that was similar in one way, but very different in other ways. In ASL class yesterday morning, we watched a video called 'Not Hearing Loss, Deaf Gain' in which deaf students were asked, if there was a magical pill that could restore your hearing overnight, would you take it? They all said no. When asked 'why not?', the answers they gave showed me a different perspective of Deaf Culture. One of them said that being deaf was part of who he was. He wouldn't be the same person if he could hear. He was Deaf - "first, last, and forever."

That really made me think about my concept of identity. Who am I? How do I want others to see me? What are my defining characteristics? I've had these kinds of thoughts before, and I've gained a few insights on them over the years. Allow me to share a few.

"What we think and do determines who we are and who we will become."
That quote came from President Uchtdorf in his talk, The Love of God. There's much more to his message than this little snippet, but this is the part I want to focus on. According to this quote, our thoughts and our actions are the primary factors that shape our identities and destinies. We are what we think and do.

It reminds me of another thought I came across. This one didn't come from anyone official, but it may be true anyway. "You are the kind of person who does the things you do." Example, if I ride my bike for fun sometimes, then I'm the kind of person who sometimes rides his bike for fun. If I play video games, I'm the kind of person who plays video games. If I share spiritual thoughts on my daily blog, then I might just be the kind of person who shares spiritual thoughts on his daily blog. Which, by the way, isn't how I normally think of myself, but here I am.

If this is true, then our identities aren't defined by what we can't do, or even what we can do, but rather by what we actually do. It doesn't matter what traits we were born with or what traits we currently possess. What matters is what we do with or about those traits.

I wanted to find a video of a Mormon, a bold, vocal, active-and-proud-of-it Mormon. Someone who didn't just believe the things that Mormons believe, but that did the things that Mormon's do (or are supposed to do). I wanted to find someone whose identity was being Mormon.

So what my identity? What do I do that defines me? The short answer, if the "you are what you do" concept is true, is "Everything." If I am what I do, then everything I do is part of who I am.

I must be confusing you by now. I'm starting to confuse myself.

But what do I do the most? What is or are the biggest part(s) of my identity? If someone asks me "Who are you? No, not your name, I mean who are you?" What should I say?

I'm a Mormon. I'm a writer. I'm a college student. I'm a nerd. I'm a bike-rider. I'm a blogger. Those are just the first handful of things that come to mind - there are lots more things that I do and therefore am. But which ones say the most about me, who I really am, my identity? Can I, should I, define myself as a Mormon? As a writer? As a Mormon writer/blogger? Sounds like a good identity to me.

The trouble is that people are so multi-faceted that they have billions of traits and habits that contribute to their identities. No two people have the same combination of traits, habits, actions, desires, and so forth. Therefore, everyone's identities are totally unique, and far too complex to be summed up in only a few words.

There's another problem. If we're defined by our actions and our actions are dependent on our abilities, then our identities, who we are, are limited by our abilities, what we can do. Or by our disabilities, as the case may be. If a marathon runner lost both her legs, she'd stop being a marathon runner. Would that alter her identity or would she still be the same person? Or what if she still has both her legs and could keep being a runner, but chooses not to. Does that change her identity? Maybe I have it backwards. Maybe it's not that not-running changes who she is, but that she changed who she is and therefore no longer runs.

Perhaps identity has more to do with choice than ability. If a person would help another person, but never gets the chance, he's still a good person for wanting to help. If a person would be a marathon runner, but can't be, perhaps they're still a runner at heart. This may be linked to the other part of Uchtdorf's equation: "What we think and do determines who we are..."

It's largely assumed that we can do whatever we want to do. If a person wants to be a runner, it's assumed that they can go and run. If they're not in good enough shape to run, it's assumed that they can get in shape, and then start running, if they really want to. It's not usually a question of 'what would you do if you had a choice?' because people usually do have a choice, so they can simply make the choice and determine what they do. Then our identities can be measured by our actions because those are the actions we chose.

I think our identities go deeper than that. The world sees our traits and actions, our abilities and disabilities, and judges us on that, but the Lord sees our hearts. What's in our hearts, our personalities, who we really are deep down, shapes our desires. Because So-and-So, deep in his heart, is a good person, he has a desire to help others. Our desires then influence our choices (assuming we have choices). So-and-So would help, if he could. And if we have choices, then our actions will reflect our desires. Because So-and-So can help, and wants to, he does. That's when our actions reflect our identities. So-and-So helps others - He is a good person.

So, is that where our identities are? In our hearts? I certainly hope so. I can't take this conversation much deeper, and this blog post is already long enough. I should get going soon, too. I have a class to get to. I don't feel like I've found any answers yet. I may have to continue this thought process throughout the day. I feel like I'm close to finding the answer. I just need to work it out a little more.