My computer is acting wonky and won't let me post a comment on your blog. I'm sure it's a problem on my end, not yours. :S And now my comment ended up so long, I don't even know if I could post it as a comment on your status. lol So, I'll post it here.
Something I thought of while reading your post was compost and decomposition. Sometimes, garbage that has been properly buried changes and can turn into something that becomes a nourishing part of the soil. Not all garbage does that (and in those cases, the part that won't, has to be completely removed before the soil can be good - or like in the talk/video, buried under layers and layers of good dirt so the land can become useful), but for the sake of this analogy, let's just think of the stuff that does decompose. Or better yet, think of the serious sins, the ones that take longer and more effort to remove, as garbage that won't decompose, and think of smaller, less serious sins - as well as our thoughts, memories, habits, etc., as the parts of garbage that can decompose.
When I think back on the things that I am most ashamed of, times when I made choices that were not just wrong, but I knew they were wrong - even when I know I've fully repented, it still feels awful to realize I did that. BUT - now, as I do occasionally think of them, they also strengthen my resolve to be better today and in the future. To never make those choices again. To treat others with patience, kindness, and understanding. To live more obediently and faithfully. I'm not perfect at that and will still sometimes make a bad choice, but in general, I have improved a lot!
Many sins are addictions and most of us don't even realize it. Even sins that don't normally fall under the category of an addiction, can be an addiction. (Idleness, rudeness, gossip, dishonesty, etc... we don't consider them addictions usually, but in many ways they are.) If we can understand that, we can better approach our attempts to overcome it and will understand that if we still sometimes make mistakes, it is because we are dealing with a serious challenge, one that is not going to just go away because we want it to. We have to be patient with our progress, and forgiving of ourselves when we still stumble, as we are striving to truly change.
Sin is bad. It just is. But it is also part of the plan. No one was expected to escape it. And knowing that none of us would, a Savior was provided so we could find our escape through Him. Messing up - it's normal. It's not something we should try to do, but we need to realize that through the process of repentance, we have the chance to be an even better person than we were before. Those who struggle the most, are the strongest when they overcome. If you feel like you are struggling an exceeding amount, then rejoice! Not that you sinned, but that you are being blessed with the opportunity to become stronger than you would otherwise become! Never forget that this IS part of the plan! God did plan for us to experience sin and guilt and shame - so we could become more like him through the repentance process. He doesn't want us to suffer, He doesn't hope that we'll suffer - He hopes that we will suffer as little as possible, but He will allow it so we can learn and grow.
As a parent, I don't like to see my children experience pain. I cried when they got their shots, I feel so bad when I see Cadi's mouth sore from her braces getting tightened, I am sad thinking about the future pain of things like getting Wisdom teeth pulled, experiencing disappointment or a broken heart, - or even as far out as when they experience child birth for themselves, etc. But I know that these painful experiences will be the best for them in the long run. Without these painful things, they would not be as healthy and happy later in their lives. So, I make the appointments, I pay the co-pay, I ask the doctors and dentists to cause my child pain, understanding that this pain will be small compared to the pain they could suffer if we try to avoid these experiences now. I hope that these experiences are minimal, but you know - sometimes they make choices that cause cavities, so I take them to the dentist and tell them to fill it. I provide some pain medication to make it bearable, but they are still going to have to experience the discomfort of the consequence of not brushing/flossing. And once it is over, they are healthy again - and they've learned to be more responsible in that area. They also learn that they lived through it. Unpleasant things are not fun, but they can be overcome.
It does not mean we should try to make garbage for ourselves, that part is going to happen no matter what - the most righteous people in the world still have garbage that they are dealing with, despite their best efforts. It's great if the garbage is bio-degradable so it doesn't take so much time and effort to turn it into something good and nourishing, but that will not always be [the] case. All of us, at some point or other, fill our landfills with non-biodegradable garbage. So when that happens, do not beat yourself up about it! Just recognize that a change is necessary, and then repent, understanding that it is a process - that will take a long time and probably many stumbles along the way.
We need to remember - Humility is not thinking that we are worthless, even when we make mistakes that we know better than to make! Humility is not thinking we are hopeless because we have not overcome our weakness yet! In fact, those thoughts are a sin - they are pride! When we feel worthless, and without hope, we are denying the Savior's atonement. We are staring Him straight in the face and saying, "Nope, I don't believe it - and I don't believe you. I can't change and even You aren't capable of helping me. Your atonement was wasted on me." TRUE humility is recognizing that we NEED God and we NEED our Savior - and understanding that we DO have Them and that through Them, in time, we CAN overcome anything! Humility is finding confidence in ourselves because we have confidence in Them! Humility is allowing Them to change us, allowing ourselves to improve and grow, allowing ourselves to become more like Them - THROUGH Them! And once we truly understand that - we can find joy and comfort in knowing that it is okay - where we are right now, IS okay! It will take time, but as long as we don't give up and keep moving in the right direction, it IS enough.
Something I learned from you when you were on your mission, and I quote it often, "God is easy to please, just hard to satisfy." Of course He won't be satisfied until you are back with Him. But He IS so pleased with your efforts to return! And as long as you continue trying your best, you WILL make it. Taking a step back is discouraging, but it is only tragic when we give up and don't push forward again. As long as we are pushing forward, no matter where we are on the path, when we leave this life it WILL be enough.
Ryan and I have paid for a lot of medical bills, music lessons, grocery bills, etc in our children's lives so far - and plan to pay for a lot more still... and we have never asked, nor will we ever ask, for them to "pay us back". We don't want that. Neither do our Heavenly Parents. As earthly parents, we just ask for them to take advantage of the opportunities we are providing them, to help them learn and grow and develop into better people. Sometimes they don't floss. Sometimes they don't practice. Sometimes they throw away good food. Sometimes we get frustrated about that, but we still love them and still provide these things for them. And even if they turn into ungrateful teenagers that waste all of the opportunities we give them, we will still love them and continue giving them more chances. And so long as they, in the end, take advantage of some of those opportunities, we will be happy and not worry about the chances they missed before.
I think that our Heavenly Father is like that, too. It won't matter very much how many opportunities we missed before. All that matters is that we are trying to take advantage of the ones we can right now. He is perfect. He understands this plan far better than we do! If He says it is so, I believe it. I'm not perfect. I stumble and fall. I make mistakes and fill my landfill with lots of non-biodegradable and biodegradable garbage. But I know He loves me and I know that He will be as patient as I need Him to be - far more patient than I am! And I know He will help me to become a beautiful park. It may take decades. It may take my whole lifetime. It may take into the eternities. But eventually, I will get there. And my park is going to be GORGEOUS!!! I see bits and pieces of it sometimes. A patch of green grass here, some flowers there, even a playground or two starting to develop. Eventually, it will cover all of me. In the meantime, I trust in HIS vision and HIS ability to create something so beautiful out of someone so flawed.
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