Dear Home,
This is my second to last P-Day. All of the other missionaries are thinking about transfers, wondering whether they'll stay or leave, and, if they leave, where are they going to go? I don't have any of those questions, but I do feel some of the apprehension that some of them feel. No offense towards the many people that I'm looking forward to seeing when I get home, but I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready to go home yet. I don't want my mission to be over yet.
Maybe I'll just think of this as 'being transferred'. I'm still a missionary (every member a missionary, right?), I can still study the gospel every morning (or some time every day) and I'm still going to be serving the Lord as much as I can. At least, that's the plan. It has a lot to do with how much motivation I'll still have when I'm back home. =/ If there's one thing that scares me about myself, it's my lack of motivation and will-power. I can do anything. But will I? Will I want it badly enough to put in the effort it will take? I probably shouldn't post this. Any wise employer will be looking at this message to try and find out what kind of person I am, and what kind of worker I'll be. Poor motivation? That doesn't sound good. But I'm honest. I know that I have weaknesses, and I know what most of those weaknesses are.
But here's another thing that I want my perspective employers to know: I don't want to be in debt to anyone. If I expect someone to give me money or benefits or anything like that, I want to make sure that I earned that, or at least that I'll pay them back. For example, there's a gift that Elder Roth said that he's planning on giving me before we go home. I know approximately what it had cost him, and I know approximately what it's worth. Also, I know what the gift is worth to him, and I know what it's worth to me. It's a good gift. But I don't want to just take it. I want to pay for it somehow. He won't take money, so I'm buying treats and sharing them with him. I bought ice cream a while back, and shared it. I bought a dozen doughnuts a few days ago, six for me, six for him. I'm buying more ice cream for both of us today. (We haven't used up all the toppings yet from last time.) Yes, I want what Elder Roth is planning on giving me, just like I'll want a regular paycheck when I start working for you, but I DON'T want to get something for nothing.
I don't want to be a burden or an expense to anyone. I'll be living with my mom and my brothers when I get back home. Free room and board? I don't plan on it! I want to pay rent to my mom when I can. I will ALWAYS be in my parents' debt for everything they've given me, and I don't think I'll ever be able to repay them, but at the very least, I'd like to be able to stand on my own two feet from now on. If I can pay for my share of the food and utility bills, plus any other expenses that I cause, I'll consider myself worth keeping around.
And the same goes for the workplace. My goal is to produce more wealth for whomever I'm working for than whatever they're paying me. I want to be an asset to any organization I'm in. I don't plan on being anyone's dead weight. Except for Christ. And I'm only okay with the debt I'm in to Him because there is literally no way for me to repay Him. I've accepted that there are some things that I can't do. But I can do what He has asked me to do, and I really want to do it.
But that brings us back to the question of motivation. Yes, I want to work hard and be the best that I can be, but do I want it badly enough? That's a risk that we're all going to have to take. We'll roll the dice and see what kind of number we get. In the meantime, all I can say is that I hope so. I want to have the kind of motivation that it will take to reach my full potential. I want to work my hardest to do good things. I want to be a worthwhile son, Christian, and employee. So now the question is: Do you want me to work for you?
Signed by a man who is trying to apply the principle of Diligence into all that he does,
Elder Andrew James Robarts
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