There's a scene in Avatar: the Last Airbender (the TV show, not the movie) in which one character tells another that he's at the crossroads of his destiny and that it's time to start asking himself big questions like "who are you?" and "what do you want?" This morning, I'm finding myself asking myself the same questions, and though the fate of the world doesn't depend on my decision, it'll certainly have an impact on how the rest of my life goes, which is high enough stakes for me.
Ultimately, I want to inherit the Celestial Kingdom, but that's not really what I'm talking about right now. I'm referring to a more short-term goal: what do I want to do for a living? Thanks to my light-hearted nature, I'm sure that I could have find or find a sense of importance and accomplishment in almost anything I might end up doing, but that still doesn't answer the question. What do I enjoy doing that I can do well enough that people might pay me to do it? What talents, hobbies, and interests do I have that could be turned into bill-paying skills?
The first thing that comes to mind when I think of something that I do fairly well and frequently that I also enjoy doing is writing. I love fantasy. I love the characters, the worlds, and the magic of fantasy. I love how fantasy can help me escape from the daily stress of the world, and how Paladins help me cope with daily life when I have to face it. Thanks to Paladins, I see setbacks as challenges and challenges as adventures, so I can tackle life's problems and road bumps with enthusiasm. Even the daily grind becomes more endurable when I see myself as a Paladin. When I see myself as a Paladin, doing routine, painful, boring, and difficult tasks become part of my "duty," and I become a better Paladin for doing those tasks faithfully. And then there are the hosts of spiritual benefits of being a Paladin, which I've blogged about so many times that I hardly even need to mention them now.
So, to recap that last paragraph so I can organize my thoughts, I like writing because I love fantasy, and I love fantasy because it lets me escape reality and it helps me become a better person in real life. That's an interesting combination. Not many things improve something else while drawing attention away from it.
But what about writing, itself? I love fantasy, but do I love writing? I like it, and I'd like to think I'm good at it, but do I love it? Do I love the actual act of writing? Not really. Okay, why not? (Pardon the self-exploration. I'm sure I'll stumble upon something blogworthy by the end of it.) What don't I like about writing?
It's too slow. I can form thoughts faster than I can record them. The words on the page never turn out as well as the images in my head. And when what I write isn't as good as what I'm thinking, I worry a little that I'm going to lose the vision of my characters. I don't handle criticism and failure as well as a writer needs to be able to. Part of me feels like I'll never be a successful writer because my odds are so terribly slim, and I doubt hat I have the staying power to keep writing, even if it's not going well.
But isn't that more practical, to quit, rather than to take your chances against steep odds? If I'm going to invest into anything the amount of time that good writing takes, I want to be reasonably sure that I'll have something good to show for it. If all I get after the end of weeks or months of writing is a lame fantasy/adventure short story, was it really worth the time I had put into it?
On the other hand, there are many hobbies that leave their participants empty-handed, but still aren't judged as useless. People spend time and money playing and watching sports, but not everyone gets a trophy at the end of it. Were all the other participants wasting their time? No, because they got practice and exercise, made friends, had experiences, and most importantly (for a hobby, at least), had fun. If I pursue writing as a hobby rather than as a career (and let's face it, very few people are good enough and lucky enough to pursue writing as a career), then my whole approach to writing can become significantly better. If I place less focus on the value of the product, and more focus on its effect on me as a person, there's a lot more I can gain from writing than a few crappy manuscripts. I can get practice, explore my psyche, get creative, and have fun. And maybe when writing becomes fun again, I can convince myself to do it enough to gain enough practice at it to become good enough at it to consider doing it as a career. Until then, I can try to consider writing to be part of my daily grind of things that I have to do because it's my duty as a Paladin.
Also, I need to ignore my critics. At least for now. I've studied writing (mostly academic writing, but the basic principles apply to all writing). There are certain stages to the writing process, and the first two steps are getting some ideas down and getting them organized BEFORE you start writing your essay/novel/short story. That's the step I'm perpetually on - forming and fleshing out ideas. Now, I suppose I just need to get them organized and start drafting (that's the third step, actually beginning to write). And while I'm doing that, I shouldn't worry so much about whether what I write is good or not. One thing I've heard and learned repeatedly, from my very first writing class to the classes I'm in this semester, is that revision is the key. Your first draft is going to be a lousy. Write it anyway. Then get some feedback and improve it. That's revision, taking a lousy, or even a good or excellent piece of writing, and making it better. But first, I need to have the courage to write the first draft.
I just talked myself into writing, didn't I? Dang it. I don't have time for this! Fine, I'll do my homework (which is due by midnight tonight), and then I'll write something. I'll have at least a few pages actually drafted out by tonight. Just don't expect it to be any good.
EDIT: Oh, yeah. I was supposed to find something blogworthy by the end of my talking to myself. How about this: Sometimes, God gives us commandments that we don't want to obey because they seem difficult or unpleasant, and we can't really see what's in it for us, but God wouldn't give us a commandment without a good reason, and any kind of experience can help us draw closer to God, and that brings blessings of its own. I may not feel like writing, but if I do it anyway, that experience can help me develop my God-given talent and creativity, and I know that blessings will flow from that. Even if the action itself yields no benefits (which it will, but even if it doesn't), if we do what God wants us to do, He'll bless us for our diligence. So stick with it. It may seem pointless and hopeless sometimes, but stick with it anyway. I'm sure that at least some good will come of it.
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