I'm trying to accept the fact the Jesus was okay with suffering and dying for us, that our eternal welfare was more important to Him than His mortal well-being. One of my earliest memories of Primary was learning the Hymn "I Stand All Amazed," and not wanting to sing the chorus "Oh, it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!" I felt that I couldn't sing that because it wasn't true. It's still not. I don't think that it's wonderful that Jesus, the only person who ever lived who didn't deserve any punishment, endured the greatest punishment in the history of the world (past or future), partly because of me. I'm not okay with Him dying for me.
Granted, I understand that the hymn isn't really saying that it's wonderful that Christ had to die. It's saying that it's wonderful that He loved us enough to be willing to. Try explaining those semantics to Eight-ish-Year-Old me. But anyway, while I am eternally grateful for Christ's love, I'm not fully okay with the sacrifice that that love drove Him to make. I wish there had been another way. Come to think of it, so had He.
But, unfortunately for both of us, God's plan, as unpalatable as I may sometimes find it, was and is perfect. No one could have made a better plan, and no other plan could have been as good. Christ's sacrifice was necessary. Someday, I may find out why and become okay with that. In the meantime, I just have to trust God and accept that His plan was and is perfect, Atonement and all. I would rather that Christ didn't have to die for me, but that's not up to me. The plan has been decided on and already carried out. The price has already been paid for me. The only thing I can do now is accept Christ's sacrifice and try not to worsen it.
Jesus Christ had to die for me. Now I have to make sure He didn't die in vain.
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