When I make a conscious effort to be good, especially when I try to behave like a Paladin, I sometimes worry that I'm just putting on a show, that I'm not really changing myself, that I'm only temporarily changing my behavior or even just how I talk. In short, I worry that I lack something I call Moral Honesty. I'm trying to be (or worse, just appear to be) better than I really am. A Morally Honest person would admit their flaws rather than trying to act as though they didn't have them. But Moral Honesty may not actually be a good thing. Sure, it keeps a person from being a hypocrite, but it also keeps a person from growing. I need to grow. And if lying to myself, telling myself that I am a good, moral person, is the best way to talk myself into growing, then maybe I should exercise enough Moral Honesty to accept that I am a liar and a hypocrite, and keep lying to myself until the lie affects my behavior.
I am not a Paladin, nor am I anything like one. If I were an honest man, I would admit that. But I am honest enough to admit that I am not always honest, and I have enough Moral Honesty to admit that I am a hypocrite. So, no, I am not a Paladin, but, being a liar and a hypocrite, I will keep telling myself that I am one. And maybe, if I keep pretending to be a Paladin, it will stop being a lie.
2 comments:
I think it is possible to be a moral, honest person by both admitting your faults AND acting as though they don't exist.
There's always a point of development where practicing good (practicing what one wants to improve) feels no different from acting good (putting on a show). But sooner or later, practicing changes you.
It is the wrong brother who disciurages you and calls you a liar when you try to be good. The good brother, your Savior and Friend, sees a good but imperfect man who wants to be better and keeps trying. Yes, He is a bit hurt and disappointed when we falter, but how happy He is when we repent and try again. He calls you son, friend, and disciple, maybe even paladin.
Post a Comment