Missing Dad

Tomorrow is my dad's memorial. I'm still not sure how to feel. I'm not heartbroken or anything, but I'm still, strangely, a little sad, and I'm not entirely sure why. I know this isn't goodbye. I already did that part the day he died, his spirit has passed on, and I'm going to see him again in the afterlife anyway. "Goodbye" doesn't really apply here.

Then, if I'm not saying goodbye, what am I going to do tomorrow? Pay my respects? To Dad? I can't really do that, either. My dad wasn't a terrible person, in my experience, but he wasn't a great person, either. I didn't respect him much when he was alive, and I don't respect him much now. I mostly still respect him as a person. I could pay my respects to him for that.

But I have another reason to feel the way I do. I'm not going to miss my dad because he was never a big part of my life to begin with, but I still feel like there's something missing. I think it's not so much that I'm going to miss him but that I'm sorry to have missed out on the dad he should have been. I wish we had had a better relationship. I wish I were going to miss him. What I miss is the opportunity to have had a normal, loving Dad.

So, I'm going to the memorial. I don't think I'll say anything, since it probably wouldn't be appropriate for me to say what I feel. I won't speak ill of my dad at his own memorial or graveside service. But I will say this, if not there, then here: I'm sorry my dad and I didn't spend more time together. I'm sorry we weren't better friends. I'm sorry I didn't really get to know him very well. And, in a way, I'm sorry he's gone.

I won't pretend he was a saint or anything. I'm probably not going to cry. But in a weird, roundabout sort of way, I think I am going to miss him.