Mixed Feelings

As many of you will have heard by now, my Dad passed away this evening. Thankfully, I had an opportunity to visit him just before he died, and he seemed to not be in any pain. But now, I'm experiencing a lot of mixed feelings about all this.

Part of me is relieved. I don't think he was in pain, but the quality of his life wasn't very high. Arguably, his life has just gotten a lot more exciting and pleasant.

Another part of me feels a little sad. He and I didn't have the greatest relationship, and I guess I kind of wish we had had a better one.

But since we didn't really have a very good relationship, a part of me feels a bit of apathy about his death, and another part of me feels guilty for that. I should feel heartbroken that my dad died, but I kind of don't, and a part of me wishes I did.

I feel a bit nervous about what will happen next. Of course, there will be a funeral, the handling of his possessions, and the settling of his debts. There are a lot of questions to be answered and work to be done. I'm not looking forward to much of this.

But I am looking forward to moving on. For a long time, Dad was stuck in an awkward sort of limbo, not dead yet, but not really living. Now, he has moved on with his life, and we can soon start to move on with ours.

And a small part of me is feeling a bit pensive, if not existential. I know that mortals die, I know that I will die, and I know that all my friends and relatives and everyone I've ever (or never) known will die. But this is the first time I practically saw someone do it. I left his apartment shortly after 8, and I got the call about his death shortly after 9, and, to be frank, he looked like he already had one foot through the door (which is really saying something, since, since the amputation, he only had one foot). Since June, we've known it would be "soon," and when we visited tonight, we knew it would be "very soon," and now it has actually happened. And it is going to happen again. Sooner or later, we are all going to die.

I guess the main feeling I'm walking away from this with is the desire to be a better person, to cultivate relationships that matter, and to make sure that my death both will and will not be a tragedy for all the right reasons. I don't want people to have mixed feelings about whether or not they're going to miss me, and I don't want to have any mixed feelings about whether or not I'm ready to go. I don't plan on leaving any time soon, but sometimes, God has His own plans, even if we don't, so I feel like I should make some plans (and maybe some changes) so I can be ready when God's plan kicks in.

I have mixed feelings about Dad's death, and I have even more mixed feelings about mine, but I think I mostly feel like it's time to get things in order so people's feelings about my passing won't be as mixed as my feelings about my dad's.