There's a bunch of new Bible videos, produced by the church. I've seen a few of them, but personally, there's another church-made bible video that I like better: Finding Faith in Christ. I've shared it many times on my mission. It's simple, touching, 30 minute video all about Jesus Christ, His teachings, the miracles He performed, including the ultimate miracle, the Atonement and Resurrection. since it's only half an hour long, I had plenty of time to watch it before blogging. When I watched it this morning, I line stuck out to me that I hadn't noticed before. In the movie, Thomas said "Without faith... even seeing is not enough."
I haven't seen much personally. I've helped give Priesthood blessings. I've received Priesthood blessings. But I haven't witnessed any healings that were obviously miraculous. At least, I don't think I have. Maybe they were clearly miraculous, but I lacked the faith to see them as miracles. Without faith, even seeing is not enough.
I wonder what else I don't see. People say that nature is a miracle. Every sunrise is a miracle all on its own. The birth of every new creature, and life itself are both miracles. I think I believe that. Sure, there's plenty of science to explain how it all happens, but I don't have much faith in science either. God makes more sense to me than science, but even though that's true, there's a lot about God and Jesus that I don't fully understand.
Stephen E. Robinson wrote a book called Believing Christ. Not "Believing in Christ," mind you. Believing Christ. I believe in Christ. I believe that He's the son of God, the Creator and Savior of the world. But I'm not sure I believe in Him as my Savior. I'm sure He'd love to save me, and I'm even sure He can, but I'm not sure He will. When it comes to deciding who will be saved and who won't, He leaves that up to us. He lets us choose whether we'll come to Him and be saved or whether we'll remain in our sins. Come to think of it, it's not so much that I don't have faith in Jesus. It's that I don't have faith in me. I don't trust myself to make the right decisions, decisions that I'll need to make in order to be saved.
But that leads me back to a lack of faith in God. Faith in God includes faith in His methods. He knows whether He can trust us, and if He trusts us to make decisions, He must have faith that we can make the right decisions. And sure, theoretically, I can make the right decisions. I'm just not sure that I will. It's like asking a kid whether he wants to go to church or stay home and play video games. He can make the better choice, but he probably won't.
That's where I feel I am. In order to be saved, we have to give up our sins, and I'm not sure I have the will-power to do that. I can make baby steps in the right direction. I have that much faith in myself. But I frequently backslide, too. Does the backsliding counteract the baby steps? Is it one step forward, two steps back, or two steps forward, one step back? Or is the forward steps to back steps ratio one to one? Am I making any real progress toward being saved?
Why am I talking about this in such a public place? Why don't I Command-A, Delete, and write something else? Why am I so sure that I'm going to publish this blog post anyway, with all my naked insecurities, never knowing who all may read it? Is it that I just don't care who reads it? Is it that somewhere in the back of my mind, I don't think anyone will read it, even though I personally know at least two people who will? Maybe it's that I don't think many people will read this blog post, and I trust the few people who will. Some people would worry about appearing weak, but heck, we're ALL weak. And either we can hide our weaknesses from each other until everyone believes that they're the only weak one in the world, or we can share our weaknesses and try to strengthen each other.
I have considered making a new blog. An anonymous blog, where I can share in greater detail exactly what I struggle with and why I feel so weak so frequently. Perhaps someone with the same problem will stumble upon the blog and I can help them. Or I can keep blogging here, try to stay vague, and hopefully help the people I know (and whoever else happens upon this blog) in some small, non-specific way. That's a good method, though, isn't it? If I stay vague, everyone who reads this can adapt it to themselves, and apply it to their own lives, even if their problems are very different than mine. Which way would do the most good?
But getting back to the point, if I trust God, I have to trust His judgement, even when He says that He can trust me. I'm sure I said that before. Maybe even yesterday. Or maybe I can trust Him enough to get over the belief that He can't trust me any more than I can trust myself, and still trust Him enough to believe that He can make things right anyway. Maybe He has a plan B that'll work as long as I keep trying to be righteous, regardless of whether I ultimately succeed or not. That way, I can still try to rid myself of sin, but I won't have to feel hopeless just because I fail. That sounds pretty good to me. But merely sounding good doesn't make something true.
I'll have to do some more research on this subject. I'll get back to you tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment