The Fear of the Feeling of Failure

I once read, or rather listened to a book on CD of, Dale Carnegie's best-selling book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's a great book. When I first heard it's title, I thought it was shallow. I don't want to "win" friends. I want to make friends. But the book's not really about that anyway. At least, not the parts that I remember. It mostly had to do with remembering that everyone is human, and we all have the same basic wants. As I was reading, or rather listening to, the book for the first time, the concepts seemed to fit neatly under the same idea: Everyone has pride.

Pride is a fairly universal condition, and it takes many forms. President Ezra Taft Benson's talk, Beware of Pride, listed many possible forms it could take. Carnegie listed others. According to Carnegie, we all want to have a feeling of importance. According to Benson, pride usually involves thinking of self more than others. Both agree that an aspect of pride is the belief that what one wants is at the center of all that matters to them. I believe that we all feel that way, to some degree.

I want to be perceived as a good writer. I think I am a good writer (perhaps that's part of my feelings of pride). When I started this blog, I wasn't trying to impress anyone. In fact, I didn't think there was really anyone to impress. I'd have been surprised if anyone other than a few immediate family members read my blog. But now I know otherwise. I've gotten compliments. Strangers have posted comments and have "liked" my posts. I have an audience now, and I feel an obligation not to disappoint you. I feel like I have to put on a good show.

And right now, I feel like I'm failing at that. You expect something spiritually uplifting, unique, and insightful, as you've said my earlier blog posts have been. But I don't think I can provide that every morning. I didn't do it yesterday, and I can't do it today. I've run out of good ideas.

There is one idea I have, though. Something that popped up in my scripture study. Something that's been on my mind yesterday. Something that I lack the courage to share. I could make the excuse "It's too personal," and since this blog goes out to all the world, that might be a fair thing to say, but the truth is that I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't even want to admit that it ever came up in the first place. The truth of the matter is that I am a coward. I know what God wants me to do, but I'm afraid to do it. And that, actually, is what came up in my scripture study.

Mormon 2: 4
And it came to pass that we did come to the city of Angola, and we did take possession of the city, and make preparations to defend ourselves against the Lamanites. And it came to pass that we did fortify the city with our might; but notwithstanding all our fortifications the Lamanites did come upon us and did drive us out of the city.

How, I wondered. How could the Nephites have lost? They had the city and they fortified it "with [their] might." What could have caused them to lose? Were they being wicked? Well, yeah, but when I asked that question and searched for the answer, I didn't see a reference to wickedness. I saw Mormon 2: 3:

And it came to pass that in the three hundred and twenty and seventh year the Lamanites did come upon us with exceedingly great power, insomuch that they did frighten my armies; therefore they would not fight, and they began to retreat towards the north countries.

The Nephites lost because they wouldn't fight, because they were too afraid.  That's where I am right now. But I'm not afraid of dying, like they were. Well, I am, but that's not what's stopping me. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of feeling like a failure. I'd rather run away from the various tests of life than to find out I can't pass them.

I need to gain more courage. We've all heard that we miss 100% of the shots we don't take, so I need to gain the courage to take more shots, even though I know each missed shot's going to hurt me. And by me, I mean my ego. My precious personal pride. I need to let go. I need to humble myself. I need to accept that the pain of failure is a part of life, and that God wants to use it to make me strong. It sounds like a horrible plan to me, but if I trust God, I have to trust His directions. I have to do what He asks me to do, even though I know it's going to hurt, and I don't think it's going to work, and I'm not sure why it matters, and I'd rather do anything else. It's going to take an awful lot of courage. I wonder how I can develop it.