Tonight, we read and listened to a talk by Elder Ronald A. Rasband titled Be Not Troubled, in which he gave the following warning:
When we are tentative in our commitments to the Lord, when we stray from His path leading to life eternal, when we question or doubt our significance in His divine design, when we allow fear to open the door to all its companions—discouragement, anger, frustration, disappointment—the Spirit leaves us, and we are without the Lord. If you know what that is like, you know it is not a good place to be.
I have recently found myself is such a place, mostly by trying to be wise. I thought that faith shouldn't be blind. I thought that our religious beliefs and practices should be carefully examined. I thought that we should try to be certain that we are on the right path and not leave anything up to chance, or, in other words, up to faith.
But I've found some flaws in that way of thinking. First, I'm rather blind, whether I choose to have faith or not. I can either choose to follow the guidance of those who claim to know where they're going, or I can try to find my own way in life, despite having to admit to myself that I have absolutely no clue what path to follow, if not the one presented by the church.
Second, examining my religious beliefs and practices may not be a worthwhile pursuit. Every action has costs, effects, and side effects. If I choose to buy a hamburger, that choice will have costs in time, energy, and money (though much more of the latter than the former), and it will have the effects of procuring a hamburger and of not procuring other types of food, like a sandwich or a pizza. If I choose to buy a hamburger, that choice will have costs in time, energy, and money and will have a variety of effects, both desirable and undesirable.
The same is true of examining my religious beliefs and practices. Subjecting my faith and the church's teachings to such scrutiny will require time and energy (though, admittedly, not much money), and for what? So I can poke holes in Mormon theology (holes which might be patched by doctrines I don't currently know), and let "The Good Ship Zion" sink out from under me, so I can tread water, having no clue where to turn next? The effects of devaluing my faith include a good deal of distress, discouragement, despair, and depression. I'd rather not subject myself to that. Living an unexamined life may be foolish, but so is subjecting myself to such mental and emotional stress when there are no clear gains to be made by it. The effects of examining my religious beliefs and practices are not entirely desirable and are likely not worth the cost of the effort of doing so.
And third, even if I did choose to forsake my blind and foolish faith, I'm not likely to land on any certain truths by doing so. Like Descartes before me, I have to admit that I can't always trust even the perceptions of my own senses. I've had dreams that felt quite real before. I can't be completely certain that I'm not in one now. If I'm looking for absolute, 100% certain truths, I have no idea where I'd find them or how I'd even recognize them. Since I can't trust my own imperfect senses or my own imperfect reasoning, how could I possibly recognize what is and is not perfectly true? I cannot eliminate uncertainty by turning to myself for answers, and since my own imperfect judgment is the only tool I have to determine who is and is not trustworthy, I cannot eliminate uncertainty by turning to anyone else for answers, because I can't be 100% certain that I can trust them and the answers they give me. There will always be uncertainty. All I can do is choose whether I have more faith in my own wisdom or in that and the truthfulness of others.
Basically, I've been letting my doubts get the better of me, and I'm tired of going to the effort of second-guessing everything and having so little actual truth or wisdom to show for it. In terms of my own mental and emotional well-being, it might be best for me to take the church and its teachings on faith and to try to build my wisdom up from there. I've tried to figure things out on my own, and I've got nothing. Stumbling in the dark is frustrating, especially to one who has the light of the gospel to follow. Even if it turns out to be a will-o'-the-wisp, at least it gives me a sense of direction, something to hope for, and a certain amount of peace.
I'm reminded of a quote by P.T. Barnum from The Greatest Showman. When asked if he felt any shame in peddling shows and experiences that were ultimately fake, he asked if the smiles of those who attended his shows seemed fake. Ultimately, he seemed to be arguing that the effects of his shows were real and positive, even if the shows themselves weren't. Similarly, I have no idea whether or not the church is true, and I have no idea how I could know with 100% certainty, especially when I can't fully trust the senses through which I attempt to feel and hear the voice of the Spirit. However, that doesn't matter. I don't need to know if my faith is well-founded. I just need to know what effects that faith has in my life. Even if God isn't real, the effects of my belief in Him are, and those effects are more desirable than not.
Believing in God (and, I suppose, in the LDS church) gives me something to hold on to, something to hope for, something to believe. I don't care if it's true or not (especially since I was never going to find absolute truth anyway). My faith helps me avoid "discouragement, anger, frustration, [and] disappointment," and that effect is worth the cost of maintaining even a blind and foolish faith.
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